saying goodbye to 2013

In 2013 I became a mother. My best friend came back into my life. I made amends with a few people. Jake and I moved into a bigger and better place. We started having get-togethers. We got crock pots and a blender for Christmas so that means it's time to learn some new things!

In 2014 I will learn to cook, make new friends, have more get-togethers, and always always always have my camera to take pictures no matter what anyone thinks and/or says.

Bringing in the new year with my best friend and her husband tonight. This year I became a mom, what might I become in the next year? :)

things i currently enjoy

• over-sized t-shirts.
• (jake's army things.)
• waking up to everything frosted over.
• instagram, forever.
• dole orange pineapple juice mixed with ginger ale.
• finding a good blog to read.
• flannel.
• the fact that it's Christmas season.
• our Christmas photos.

Milestones.

On November 1st, Brantley said his first word: Dada. This was the day before he turned 7 months old.

Well, last night, on December 4th, two days after turning 8 months old, he let out a little Mama. Mamama. ALSO, tried his hand (and knees) at crawling.

Can he just hold his bottle now?!

I'm thankful for...

what i'm thankful for.

I'm thankful that this is the third Thanksgiving Jake and I are blessed to spend together. That his family considers me family as well as mine with him.

I'm thankful that this year, we have Brantley to show off and for everyone else to get to enjoy almost as much as we do.

I'm thankful for how well my labor and delivery went back in April, because so many women have complications or are in pain for hours and even into the next day. Even though there could have been so many things working against us, things went as smooth as they possibly could and Brantley was born as healthy as can be, and still is!

I'm so thankful for Jacob Brantley Hardy. He's happy and he's healthy and he is the light of my life, what more could a parent ask for? Watching him develop as he grows is one of the biggest joys of life.

I may have lupus, but I have lots of support behind me. Thankful for my lupies/spoonies friends. And a really good doctor who knows the right combination of medicine.

I'm thankful for family. My mom, my brother, my sister in law, and my own son and his amazing daddy.

I'm thankful for my future husband. He is a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing daddy, the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate. Someone I can't picture my life without. I can't wait to someday be the Mrs. to my Mr. I'm thankful for how hard he works to make sure we have everything we need, and even most everything we want. He is the hardest worker I know. A jack of all trades and master of love. He keeps things running, and my heart thumping. Also thankful for the favor God has over him/us. He places him in the right place, around the right people at the right time. We have so more than we need.

I'm so thankful for the holiday season. The cool-to-cold weather, possibility of snow, the hoodie and flannel season, Thanksgiving family get togethers, food, football, fun. Christmas, wonder, delight, twinkling in the eyes and fireplaces.

So thankful for my bestest friend. Who is always there for me. Our friendship is like nothing in this world and we are so lucky to have each other and the ability to share even the smallest of details with no judgement.

For my brother and the relationship we have, because I have seen some brother/sister duos fall apart just because one gets married/moves away/etc. No matter the distance between us, we are still close when it comes to sharing our lives with each other.

For my cat, Kasey, who I have came close to losing. She was my first baby and I will do what I can do make sure she is always taken care of. She's my fur-baby and she will always be family too.

Also, our new puppies, Bailey and Reese. Glad they are out of their whiniest of ages and ready to train them into wonderful pets for Brantley to grow up with.

I can't forget my job. I have a pretty good job working with the best people possible who are like my second family and I have been so blessed since working there.

God has placed favor over me as well, I'm thankful that my mom always prays that over my brother and I.

I am at such a happy place in my life. Thank you God.

dear hardy boy #1,

when i look back on the last two years of my life, i  have so much to be thankful for and i don't know where to begin.

 i thank God every day for putting you in my life when he did. thank you for sticking around. thank you for always putting up with my bad moods. and thank you for always trying your best to take care of me, even if it's just telling me i need to go to bed, rest, or even just to take my medicine.  i never imagined i could get so lucky in the boyfriend department, but you are above and beyond when it comes to any expectations i could have ever came up with over the years. i don't think you know how amazing you are. thank you for all the unexpected flowers on random days. you are a sweetheart, my sweetheart.

i also want you to know that there's not a thing you do that goes unnoticed. i see you getting up and going to work all day after a not so good night of sleep, a late night out. i know you have a tough job and i know 5:30 comes early and i know how much you love your sleep. and you give it all up just to take care of us. i love you so much.

i see the way you look at brantley, and i know you are a proud daddy and i cannot wait to watch him look up to you and learn from you as he grows up. you are the most amazing daddy and he is so so so so lucky to have you. and so am i.

i just don't feel like these words are enough though.

i'm so glad you were so relentless back in 2011 when you kept wanting to hang out with me. and i'm so glad i chose you to go to the jason aldean concert with me. i have enjoyed every minute with you. these last two years have truly been the best ones of my life, full of fun and adventure and experiences and so many new things. i'm SO happy i have had you by my side, i would never want to spend this life with anyone but you and i look forward to so many more years with you babe.

two years, two places and a baby later and i believe we are happier than ever. i know i am.

faith, hope, love

I have downloaded these two apps onto my ipod for daily inspiration. One is the Word (by PocketFuel) and the other is Devotion. BOTH have really inspired me, and I feel God has really been speaking to me using these over the last week (if not longer.) and I wanted to share.

Here was my verse on September 29th:

This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. -- Hebrews 6:19

We were at the beach, so you can see how I was excited and thought this photo/verse were perfect. Plus, I'm a sucker for all things anchor.

As Jake and I were standing in the ocean letting the waves roll into us, he held onto me and even said "glad I can be your anchor."

October 2nd was our last morning at the beach, and it was bittersweet, but we had things to look forward to once we got home. My verse on this day was Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.

A few points (taken from the devotion): 1. "Our God is able..." no matter what depth, what distance, what trouble, what pain, or what heartache, the Creator of everything is able. That's a promise! 2. "To do exceedingly abundantly above..." Listen to and absorb those adjectives. They don't represent a little trickle. It's more than a bucket-load. It sounds like more than you or I could ever imagine! Don't limit the promise of God with "well I hope God does something in my life..." NO WAY! Stand on, proclaim, speak out and hang onto the promise of "exceedingly abundantly above!" 3. "All we ask or think..." Don't let your asking or thinking be too small... you're limiting yourself and the blessing God will pour out. Let it be to the outer limits and He'll do even more above that.

I will admit I am guilty of saying things like "I hope (this) or (that) happens." There's that word again, HOPE. 

But God has really blessed us with a great opportunity, and it might be a challenge but I know he's going to be right there helping us through. He wouldn't give us this life if we weren't strong enough to live it.

Yesterday was "day 3" and my verse: For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

We are taking a big leap by going where we're going, but we're believing we can do it. We can't see the future, so we have to go with faith. We have Faith in ourselves and I know God will help us.

"What are you believing for today? Do you just live day by day according to what you can see? Living on the merry go round of the tangible and material? Whatever you hope for for the future, whatever you need, live by believing... add belief to your day... Do you need provision? Believe that God can meet all your needs. Do you need healing? Believe that He rose with healing in His wings. Do you need hope for today and tomorrow? Believe that He has a future and hope for you! Live by faith - not just by what you can see. There is so much more around you and within you than what you can see... Open the eyes of your spirit and heart by activating faith - step out, take courage, believe... Living by faith always leads you to the solid ground of grace."  (taken from the app)

And lastly. Last night. After all of the good things happening for us, Jake took my car to put gas in it and then got in and it wouldn't start. Ain't that how it goes? Seems every car waits to break down after you fill em up. Feeling discouraged, my ipod lit up with my nightly devotion titled "Don't Give Up."

So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up. - Galatians 6:9

My God is Awesome. Now tell me, how can you not believe?

Faith, Hope, Love. 
The keys.

inspire me.

i have this stack of journals in our bedroom that i have been neglecting, but you can't start one journal until you finish another

this one was given to me on christmas and the last time i wrote was april 1st, haha funny how much has happened since that day. i was resting on the couch that day so the baby wouldn't come early. little did we know, he would make his appearance the next day.

anyways, 6 months have passed and these pages should not be empty, and yet here they are. my heart and mind have been so full, with no release. i'm in need of some inspiration.  

weddings and growing up

what we're doing

milestones

he's starting to hold (or try to) his own bottle now during feedings. 5 months and growing up fast.

Moving on.

I think I am queen of list making. I have to make one for everything anymore, it seems. I have one for the beach vacation, our future wedding planning, things we'll miss and not miss about the place we're living now, and started on a list of positives about the new place. Also, a regular ole TO-DO list. (This is all not to mention the growing list of things from the grocery store.)
My mom says I get it from my dad, because he made a list for everything he did. I specifically remember the grocery store lists, complete with pricing. I think it's a combination of that, and the fact that since right around when I got pregnant, all through pregnancy and now just through a lupus flare up, it feels like my brain is slacking. I think it's a Lupie thing.

My most recent, as mentioned before, is things that we will miss, and not miss about living here on Smith Road. I'm not sure if the list is helpful, or if it's really just bringing my pessimistic side out,  because the negatives FAR outweigh the positives here. Or you could take it as a sign. Maybe we were settling when we took this place. We felt a bit rushed. But now we've spent a year here and we know what we really want and what we really DON'T want to have to deal with.

I'm excited for all the possibilities that come with starting fresh in a new place. Time to expand and grow!

I'm really looking forward to when Jake gets off work so we can check this place out and I can complete the list, as well as maybe add a picture or two.

5 months old

9/12

They say whatever you are doing on the first of the year is what you'll be doing a lot of the rest of the year. Can the same thing be said for the first day of every month. Because we have spent the first day of this ninth month of 2013 with a special little boy, whose smile lights up his daddy's face, which in turn warms my heart.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

I cannot believe how fast the year has flown by. And I hear the years just seem to try to sneak up and on by you quicker the older you get, especially when you have baby's to watch grow up. The trick is to not let them. I know the last 5 months have went by so fast. I don't want to waste a single moment with my family. Brantley keeps hitting milestone after milestone, and even though I have looked forward to a couple of them (holding his head up, sitting up on his own, holding his own bottle) I know that he is just growing up on me and I will never have this cute little baby anymore. He will grow into this cute little toddler, this cute little boy, this smart little teenager and this handsome young man. One thing I have felt 100 percent sure of, is that the hand I will be holding through this journey will never change. I have been certain of this for quite some time now. It is one more thing that keeps my heart beating. I cannot thank God enough for my Hardy boys.

Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

weekly wishes.

I'm hoping to get this household started on a weekly routine. A certain chore to a certain day and a clean kitchen every night. It's been a long time coming, and if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to throw em at me!

My life.

I'm not even gonna lie, I had planned on going straight back to bed this morning after I fed Brantley his breakfast. I had been lying there awake since before Jake's alarm even thought about going off at 5:30 because I can't sleep when I'm in pain... who can? I was praying that Brantley would sleep in til at least 8 so I could just lay there and get some rest, but he didn't. He woke up at about 7:20 and I laid there not wanting to get up. It's never easy getting out of bed, having lupus makes you just want to give up sometimes (and it's been like this for about two months now.) I'm not good with pain, but as soon as I walk into his room and he starts to smile at me, I instantly forget about everything. He is like a medicine. He is my little inspiration and my motivation and he makes me feel so strong. He reminds me that I need to keep going just by 'goo'ing or squealing or smiling. He is my purpose and I just felt like sharing. I could never say it enough, I love you Jacob Brantley Hardy.

Maybe someday.

We are two weeks in to August and this is my first post of the month.

Maybe someday I'll be a blogger. Maybe I'll have pictures to post of things we had done that day or I'll have the perfect words for weekly series. But for now, Brantley is still a "newborn" and I am still sick and trying to get my health on the mend and working on going back to work (maybe)

Til that day.....

Not "girly girl" enough?

This post is for the friends, family or just "acquaintances" that have tossed out a rude, unnecessary comment about how I'm not girly enough to wear dresses just because I grew up a tomboy and dresses aren't my first choice every day.

I can wear a dress, and I can look damn good in one.

Let's not forget that I had a baby, and you can't get much more "girly" than that! 

Next time someone says anything along the lines of "sorry I'll try not to make it too girly" I might have to come back with something just as rude. So watch your shit. I have feelings too, you know.

To whom it may concern.

Guess what... Someone better does love me. Thank you so much for being who you are and not holding on to me so I could fly my pretty wings to someone who loves me the way that I deserve. Thank you.

I've been slacking.

I don't know what all to tell you, but it feels like I am so behind on life. I'm in the process of raising a baby, being a better housewife (for the future of course), trying to lose weight, or at least get in shape, trying to talk my landlord into letting me keep my cat here, trying to still maintain friendships, trying to get some source of insurance so I can get better control over lupus, which will also help me in getting control back over my LIFE, and yeah... just life.

Thanks for the tears.

“I was told
The average girl begins to plan her wedding at the age of 7
She picks the colors and the cake first
By the age of 10 
She knows time,
And location
By 17
She’s already chosen a gown
2 bridesmaids
And a maid of honor
By 23 
She’s waiting for a man
Who wont break out in hives when he hears the word “commitment”
Someone who doesn’t smell like a Band-Aid drenched in lonely 
Someone who isn’t a temporary solution to the empty side of the bed
Someone
Who’ll hold her hand like it’s the only one they’ve ever seen
To be honest
I don’t know what kind of tux I’ll be wearing
I have no clue what want my wedding will look like
But I imagine
The women who pins my last to hers
Will butterfly down the aisle
Like a 5 foot promise
I imagine
Her smile
Will be so large that you’ll see it on google maps
And know exactly where our wedding is being held
The woman that I plan to marry
Will have champagne in her walk
And I will get drunk on her footsteps
When the pastor asks
If I take this woman to be my wife
I will say yes before he finishes the sentence
I’ll apologize later for being impolite
But I will also explain him
That our first kiss happened 6 years ago
And I’ve been practicing my “Yes”
For past 2, 165 days
When people ask me about my wedding
I never really know what to say
But when they ask me about my future wife
I always tell them
Her eyes are the only Christmas lights that deserve to be seen all year long
I say
She thinks too much
Misses her father
Loves to laugh
And she’s terrible at lying
Because her face never figured out how to do it correctly
I tell them
If my alarm clock sounded like her voice
My snooze button would collect dust 
I tell them
If she came in a bottle
I would drink her until my vision is blurry and my friends take away my keys
If she was a book
I would memorize her table of contents
I would read her cover-to-cover
Hoping to find typos
Just so we can both have a few things to work on
Because aren’t we all unfinished?
Don’t we all need a little editing?
Aren’t we all waiting to be proofread by someone?
Aren’t we all praying they will tell us that we make sense 
She don’t always make sense
But her imperfections are the things I love about her the most
I don’t know when I will be married
I don’t know where I will be married
But I do know this
Whenever I’m asked about my future wife
I always say
…She’s a lot like you”

—	Rudy francisco

Scents.

It is crazy to me how even a certain scent can take you back to another place and time in your life. Just the smell, and you I remember what it felt like to be standing there in that bathroom upstairs, right next to my bedroom, just out of the shower and getting ready for the day. I was probably straightening my hair because with no humidity in California, I could do that, and I had to do that every day because my hair was so short that I probably looked like a poodle when it was curly. I still miss most of those days. I don't even know if I could change certain things that happened that summer because I might not have ever broke out of my shell if I had not gone over there, or even if I had left earlier than I did. I might not be who I am now, or be where I'm at now. And I can't see me without my Hardy boys.

The scent that will always take me back: BBW Japanese Cherry Blossom

at a loss

I literally have not done much in weeks. And then today, I stepped onto the scales and this happened

I lost 5lbs. 

I'm so happy. I need to lose about 8 more to be back at pre-pregnancy weight, but I still need to drop the flubbery belly, drop it or tone it.

hey guys, we went to see fireworks

and this is what we wore

red, white and BLUE.

i like pictures.

Guess who's 3 months old today

Brantley, I want you to stay this little. :(

I can now understand these lyrics so much better...

You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.

These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

I'm so glad that some people know when it's time to mature and grow the hell up. I wish others could do the same.

Regardless, we are going to a bonfire! <3

FML.

Brantley and Jake are really all that I have going in my life.

Yeah, today is one of those days.

I feel like I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything, I can't get anything done, unless it's inside of this house. I don't want to go anywhere that I need to go, because I have no AC in my car and Brantley will melt and that is not something I want to happen. I don't want him to ever be uncomfortable, especially if I can help it.  BUT I can't get a new car because I can't sell the piece of shit I have now because it's in my mom's name and she won't switch it over to my name because she knows I'll try to sell it (for whatever it's worth) and she supposedly promised the guy we BOUGHT it from that she would give it back to him because he "fixed" it after I wrecked it. Which she still holds against me, apparently. It pisses me off, because she expects Jake to get rid of both of his vehicles so I can get a new one. What the actual fuck? I guess paying around 800 dollars in bills every month (INCLUDING MY bills!) and keeping a roof over our heads isn't enough for her. Buying all my meds and anything else I need, nah, that's not enough either. She's mad because we had sex and got pregnant and had a baby out of wedlock. She'll never get over it and never forgive me no matter how much she loves Brantley. She'll never be proud of me again and I'll never have done anything in the right order like my brother did. He's done everything right so far.

Fuck my life.

You know I'd fall apart without you, I don't know how you do what you do.

The words I can come up with could never express how much love and admiration, adoration and appreciation I have for my boyfriend. I would LOVE for him to know, but I just can't come up with the words to let him know. I try my hardest.

I don't know how he does what he does every day. Sunday night, we put Brantley to bed at 11, and Monday morning by 5 am his alarm is going off and he rolls out of bed, gets dressed and is on his way out the door. I am left to a cold meaningless bed, but it is because he is doing everything in his power for Brantley and I. Our little family. I have never done the kind of work he does, but I know it has to be tough. I mean, heck, he doesn't go to the gym but his job keeps his muscles tone, so that's saying something. He's also stuck in the ungodly heat for more than 8 hours every day and on his way home, has to deal with a car with no AC and a driver's side window that's jammed and won't roll down.

When he gets home, he's always gotta tinker with something. A weed eater, a gokart, his truck, something. Then after he showers, it's supper time and he's usually the one to cook, because he's wayyyyy better at it than I am. (I'm working on that though.)

After we eat, it nears Brantley's bed time once again, and the cycle repeats.

He deserves more sleep, that is something I need to let him have more of during the day after he relaxes in his recliner, because it's not something he gets enough of at night.

Lord, you know I sure do love this man. Thank you, God, he is a blessing to me.

Flare ups.

I haven't been home for very large amounts of time this weekend (my favorite kind of weekend) but what time I did have sitting around here, I have had the biggest urge to write in my physical journal for the last few days. The downside to that is, my lupus has been flaring up the last week. Bad. I started my meds a few weeks ago, but after creating a baby, maybe my body has decided the dosage is wrong, or maybe they just need to find a better combination of meds that suit me better altogether. However, in order for that to happen I would have to be able to see my rheumatologist and in order to see my rheumatologist, I need insurance that covers his visits, because I know now that I'm not pregnant anymore he's going to want to do some bloodwork and the insurance (if you can even call it that) I get from work doesn't cover SHIT, except I don't have to pay more than 10 bucks copay.

I'm thinking of getting help elsewhere, if possible.

But to tell you about my weekend. Friday, some very good friends of mine FINALLY had their baby, so Jake and I went to visit them and meet baby Tucker. Saturday, we loaded up the gokart and took a little ride up a mountain side, got a little muddy and dusty, then that night decided we were going to eat Chili's and when we got there, were surprised to run into one of my best friends Katie and her husband, and they were with a guy Jake was in the Army with, so we all decided to sit together. It was a nice dinner.

Today was supposed to be a lazy day because we THOUGHT our bedroom was going to be finished and we could start moving our stuff into it, but nah, I guess having a pool party was a more pressing matter. We did sit around until another couple of our friends invited us to go eat Mexican food. Our waitress was awful, but other than that, we had a good time.

I know it's not much to read when it comes to interesting, but hey, that's my life and it will have to do.

random post is random.

This week's weather has seemed so perfect. I mean, it's been a tad bit cloudy, but not 80 + degrees AND humid as hell. I have enjoyed having the door open all week without worrying about it letting my cool air out. And, knowing Jake's not sweating profusely is a plus. I hate those days he's stuck working out in the ungodly heat.

Brantley and I are just sitting (he's laying) here with the door open and the country music playlists playing.

Pssst.... Tomorrow's Friday!!

Today's post has been pointless. I am searching for some motivation today. Sure would be nice if the landlord would see to it that our new bedroom gets finished! I'm too impatient to wait until Saturday.

The moment I knew I wanted to marry you

The moment I knew I wanted to marry you, was probably one of the hardest times of your life. I had known that I loved you for a while by then, probably before I should have ever thought such a thing because I had barely known you then, but the moment I knew I wanted to spend forever by your side was July 8th, 2012 and the week that followed. (Which seems really crazy. because this was the week before we got pregnant ((so no one can say it was only because I was having your baby.)) I knew I HAD to be by your side the minute you found out, but I couldn't be. I wanted to come to you, but you told me it wasn't the best time. Waiting for you to come home felt like an eternity and I felt so helpless. I can't even explain it, but I knew I always wanted to be there for you, to hold your hand, even though I know I couldn't make whatever was happening just disappear. But I knew I would try anything just to make you smile, even if only for a second. Just to take your pain away and make you forget. I wanted to be your high. I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone, not at that moment, and not ever again. I love you, every day til forever. You are my heart.

I am trying.

Before getting pregnant, I used to say things about myself being fat, sometimes for a boost in self confidence because I knew Jake would give me that, and then sometimes just because I really felt like I could look better. (this is me a year ago)

I WISH I was as little as I was back when I thought I was fat.

BUT, this is why I have been doing crunches every day for the past week and a half. I want my flat tummy back, and to feel really good about myself. I never had to work at it before, but I guess after you've had a baby, everything changes.

I am my own motivation.

Let's try this again.

I figure that if I'm going to be a SAHM, I could at least try to keep up with a blog. Even if it's just a sentence or two about something new that Brantley did this day or that. I'm going to regret it in the long run if I don't start doing something. He is close to being 3 months old now and really starting to show his personality a lot more. Also, I recently started writing letters to my boyfriend and he really enjoys reading them, so I thought maybe I could also share some of those sometimes.

With Jessica about to be a newlywed, and me being a new mom (with wedding fever) we both figured we could use a place to keep (and share) a lot of our thoughts, so we are going to try to inspire each other to keep going. No matter what.

Welcome!