I'm so glad that some people know when it's time to mature and grow the hell up. I wish others could do the same.

Regardless, we are going to a bonfire! <3

FML.

Brantley and Jake are really all that I have going in my life.

Yeah, today is one of those days.

I feel like I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything, I can't get anything done, unless it's inside of this house. I don't want to go anywhere that I need to go, because I have no AC in my car and Brantley will melt and that is not something I want to happen. I don't want him to ever be uncomfortable, especially if I can help it.  BUT I can't get a new car because I can't sell the piece of shit I have now because it's in my mom's name and she won't switch it over to my name because she knows I'll try to sell it (for whatever it's worth) and she supposedly promised the guy we BOUGHT it from that she would give it back to him because he "fixed" it after I wrecked it. Which she still holds against me, apparently. It pisses me off, because she expects Jake to get rid of both of his vehicles so I can get a new one. What the actual fuck? I guess paying around 800 dollars in bills every month (INCLUDING MY bills!) and keeping a roof over our heads isn't enough for her. Buying all my meds and anything else I need, nah, that's not enough either. She's mad because we had sex and got pregnant and had a baby out of wedlock. She'll never get over it and never forgive me no matter how much she loves Brantley. She'll never be proud of me again and I'll never have done anything in the right order like my brother did. He's done everything right so far.

Fuck my life.

You know I'd fall apart without you, I don't know how you do what you do.

The words I can come up with could never express how much love and admiration, adoration and appreciation I have for my boyfriend. I would LOVE for him to know, but I just can't come up with the words to let him know. I try my hardest.

I don't know how he does what he does every day. Sunday night, we put Brantley to bed at 11, and Monday morning by 5 am his alarm is going off and he rolls out of bed, gets dressed and is on his way out the door. I am left to a cold meaningless bed, but it is because he is doing everything in his power for Brantley and I. Our little family. I have never done the kind of work he does, but I know it has to be tough. I mean, heck, he doesn't go to the gym but his job keeps his muscles tone, so that's saying something. He's also stuck in the ungodly heat for more than 8 hours every day and on his way home, has to deal with a car with no AC and a driver's side window that's jammed and won't roll down.

When he gets home, he's always gotta tinker with something. A weed eater, a gokart, his truck, something. Then after he showers, it's supper time and he's usually the one to cook, because he's wayyyyy better at it than I am. (I'm working on that though.)

After we eat, it nears Brantley's bed time once again, and the cycle repeats.

He deserves more sleep, that is something I need to let him have more of during the day after he relaxes in his recliner, because it's not something he gets enough of at night.

Lord, you know I sure do love this man. Thank you, God, he is a blessing to me.

Flare ups.

I haven't been home for very large amounts of time this weekend (my favorite kind of weekend) but what time I did have sitting around here, I have had the biggest urge to write in my physical journal for the last few days. The downside to that is, my lupus has been flaring up the last week. Bad. I started my meds a few weeks ago, but after creating a baby, maybe my body has decided the dosage is wrong, or maybe they just need to find a better combination of meds that suit me better altogether. However, in order for that to happen I would have to be able to see my rheumatologist and in order to see my rheumatologist, I need insurance that covers his visits, because I know now that I'm not pregnant anymore he's going to want to do some bloodwork and the insurance (if you can even call it that) I get from work doesn't cover SHIT, except I don't have to pay more than 10 bucks copay.

I'm thinking of getting help elsewhere, if possible.

But to tell you about my weekend. Friday, some very good friends of mine FINALLY had their baby, so Jake and I went to visit them and meet baby Tucker. Saturday, we loaded up the gokart and took a little ride up a mountain side, got a little muddy and dusty, then that night decided we were going to eat Chili's and when we got there, were surprised to run into one of my best friends Katie and her husband, and they were with a guy Jake was in the Army with, so we all decided to sit together. It was a nice dinner.

Today was supposed to be a lazy day because we THOUGHT our bedroom was going to be finished and we could start moving our stuff into it, but nah, I guess having a pool party was a more pressing matter. We did sit around until another couple of our friends invited us to go eat Mexican food. Our waitress was awful, but other than that, we had a good time.

I know it's not much to read when it comes to interesting, but hey, that's my life and it will have to do.

random post is random.

This week's weather has seemed so perfect. I mean, it's been a tad bit cloudy, but not 80 + degrees AND humid as hell. I have enjoyed having the door open all week without worrying about it letting my cool air out. And, knowing Jake's not sweating profusely is a plus. I hate those days he's stuck working out in the ungodly heat.

Brantley and I are just sitting (he's laying) here with the door open and the country music playlists playing.

Pssst.... Tomorrow's Friday!!

Today's post has been pointless. I am searching for some motivation today. Sure would be nice if the landlord would see to it that our new bedroom gets finished! I'm too impatient to wait until Saturday.

The moment I knew I wanted to marry you

The moment I knew I wanted to marry you, was probably one of the hardest times of your life. I had known that I loved you for a while by then, probably before I should have ever thought such a thing because I had barely known you then, but the moment I knew I wanted to spend forever by your side was July 8th, 2012 and the week that followed. (Which seems really crazy. because this was the week before we got pregnant ((so no one can say it was only because I was having your baby.)) I knew I HAD to be by your side the minute you found out, but I couldn't be. I wanted to come to you, but you told me it wasn't the best time. Waiting for you to come home felt like an eternity and I felt so helpless. I can't even explain it, but I knew I always wanted to be there for you, to hold your hand, even though I know I couldn't make whatever was happening just disappear. But I knew I would try anything just to make you smile, even if only for a second. Just to take your pain away and make you forget. I wanted to be your high. I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone, not at that moment, and not ever again. I love you, every day til forever. You are my heart.

I am trying.

Before getting pregnant, I used to say things about myself being fat, sometimes for a boost in self confidence because I knew Jake would give me that, and then sometimes just because I really felt like I could look better. (this is me a year ago)

I WISH I was as little as I was back when I thought I was fat.

BUT, this is why I have been doing crunches every day for the past week and a half. I want my flat tummy back, and to feel really good about myself. I never had to work at it before, but I guess after you've had a baby, everything changes.

I am my own motivation.

Let's try this again.

I figure that if I'm going to be a SAHM, I could at least try to keep up with a blog. Even if it's just a sentence or two about something new that Brantley did this day or that. I'm going to regret it in the long run if I don't start doing something. He is close to being 3 months old now and really starting to show his personality a lot more. Also, I recently started writing letters to my boyfriend and he really enjoys reading them, so I thought maybe I could also share some of those sometimes.

With Jessica about to be a newlywed, and me being a new mom (with wedding fever) we both figured we could use a place to keep (and share) a lot of our thoughts, so we are going to try to inspire each other to keep going. No matter what.

Welcome!